Negative reciprocity.

Most abusers often accuse their victims of emotional abuse and their victims tend to believe it. Women more often than men fall victim to this fiasco which is possibly a product of negative reciprocity which leads to an abuse ripple effect.

Negative reciprocity is common in most abusive relationships. Most people that are being abused often feel like they are just as bad as their abuser because of this. So, it makes us stay because we always feel like we are fighting back and we are fighting an equal battle. According to ‘psychology‘ it’s more like a basic human behavior that serves as a surviving mechanism and prevents most people from breaking down and losing it. It’s like the basic survival mechanism that helps us stay stable as human beings in terrible situations. It gives us a sense of power over ourselves even when everyone else thinks we have none.

Because of negative reciprocity, we often feel like we are abusing our abuser as well. This often happens when we shout at our abuser, pee in their water, spit in their food or basically do anything negative to them without their knowledge which makes you guilty enough later on to forgive our abuser when he or she hits you. If your husband is an abuser, you’ll spit in his tea to feel like you’ve balanced the equation and that makes it hard for you to leave as you feel like you live in an equal situation. Some women are said to go to extremes like boiling his tea using the toilet water or worse. It gives you the power you need to survive another day.

Most abusers are good at emotional abuse and it often weights us down. It makes us feel like we are emotionally hazardous. They shame you often and put you down countless times you eventually become your own enemy. You feel ashamed of yourself and start feeling like you’re difficult to love. Most days, you retaliate and do bizarre things to him as well but it doesn’t make up for anything.

In most occasions, an abuser makes you feel crappy and puts you through hell as they get to unconsciously enjoy your negatively prepared tea full of saliva or toilet water. Difference is: you live both the guilt and the pain because they never find out about your negative confrontations. Anyone that is being abused or has ever been abused and negatively escalates their actions should always know one thing, “you’re not in the wrong. You’re simply surviving.”

Allow my mind to wander today and digress from time to time. I have so much to talk about but at the same time I only feel the need to talk about it once because I always try and stay miles away from anything too sensitive to dig in too deep. I won’t be making an exception today either. I’m just here to address the social aspect of the situation at hand and hope it doesn’t come with too much controversial context. Let me talk a bit about female violence. Let’s talk about women that physically and emotionally abuse their men. No wait, let’s briefly talk about those men.

Most people always find it hilarious when men claim to be victims of Domestic violence. They often make fun of them. In Africa it’s worse. People will always label you weak if you’re a victim of domestic violence. I believe in women empowerment and I am a strong gender equity ambassador. I will fight for a woman’s right if it’s for the better good and it has legal grounds. In this point in my life, I think the whole affirmative action business is a good thing until it starts shoving male rights aside. I know how ridiculous that sounds coming from a revolutionary feminist but I think we have lost meaning of the term feminism and gender equity if we can shove male rights aside.

Men that are often being abused are often termed weak. 86% of men abused in their marriages and relationships never quite talk about it or come out to voice for themselves because it’s a weak man’s behavior. According to the contemporary society, strong men fight back or are never abused in the first place. So, they keep quiet or risk to be the laughing stock. Happens to women too. We just get off easy and get hearing ears. We get help most days. Do they. Do we?

For those of you waiting for a Luhya woman to stop eating: My keyboard smells like chicken because I saved myself some yesterday. Chicken is really cheap lately. I woke up to some nduma and I barely feel the need to explain why I am thinking about dinner which is 7 hours away. Maybe some Tsutsa with Ugali? No. Some beef with rice? Nah. I don’t want to sleep hungry. Maybe some of the above with tea? Well, I always have tea regardless of what I eat but today I just want to talk about those unable to eat because they are in pain or dead. For now, let’s talk about another serious thing. Just as serious as food is to me.

Anyway, I’ll be talking about ending violence next week or the whole year. It’s a long topic that has a lot of discussions like: why do they never leave? When is it time to leave? How does it start. So many questions and so many answers. What’s your thought on all that?

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