Warm whispers, cold caresses.

Last year, I was in bed with my boyfriend; texting my best girlfriends (we call each other dsba)– a code you’ll have to kill me to know. It was late at night and we were chatting in these weird whatsapp groups that women always form to encourage each other through life’s usual frustrations and woes, lie to each other sometimes and most importantly; support each other. They were making fun of my boyfriend or rather teasing me; how he was short, how he was not my type, the way this relationship was the thug life kind of relationship we always made fun of and how unavailable I had become.

I remember looking at this man and wondering what the future held for us. He was sleeping peacefully and a few minutes later, he pulled me close to him like he was aware that I was looking at him and continued sleeping. I could feel his amazing seductive body scent prompting me to trust him. I could hear his breath calm me, as he slept. I went to bed wondering why I never gave love a chance. He looked like the future I always wanted. My mind gave into my heart desires, at that momemt. I was in love, I was admitting it to myself. I could love such peace, such care and appreciation, I thought as I went to sleep. I was going to love this man, just like he loved me; he always said it to me from the first day we met, to the very night I decided to love him too.

Morning always comes quick when you are dating. It comes faster when you’re in love. He had been pretty quiet the previous day. That was unlike him, I was quite the chitchat that night. I taught him chess and he actually grasped the concept pretty quick; beat me on level one in an online chess game. He was a funny guy. I was the boring one and he never seemed to mind it. I woke up at around 5. That was my normal waking hour. I looked at him, he was sleeping. For the first time, I noticed his bushy perfect eyebrows, his jaw muscles and his sexy parted lips. This is a face I can wake up to, for the rest of my life. I thought to myself. I was a lucky woman.

For the first time in my life, I did something I never do. I kissed him on the cheeks, he smiled and pulled me closer to him. He was a light sleeper after all!! He didn’t open his eyes though. Then I whispered in his ears, “I love you too.” I felt my blood, rush in my body. My heart, felt it too. I must have been in love with him, long before I decided I was! He smiled, opened his eyes, kissed me on the forehead; grinned and pulled me so close, I felt like I was being hugged by a boa constrictor. I went back to bed. I wasn’t going to work. I was going to enjoy love, embrace it and be it.

It was the most amazing thing I had felt, in a while. I had found my drop in the ocean. I thought to myself as I went back to sleep. I woke up at 9, to an empty bed; hungry as hell. You see, I like playing with recipes. I just never cooked for him. I woke up to some soda and weirdly made pancakes. I enjoyed his weirdly made unshapely pancakes. He was my man! This man, I would cook for, make love to, get mad at, wash for if need be and make him happy. He came back to bed, made out, and then we lay there; listening to each other’s heartbeat. He was the one, I had chosen to be vulnerable with. We somehow slept again, just to wake up at 11. He was staring on the wall. He was in deep thoughts. I got out of bed, wrapped his towel around me and went to take a shower.

He joined me, took a shower and got into clean clothes. He had a business to get to, and I had to beat a deadline as a social media manager. I drafted a tweet, scheduled it, did the same with Facebook and went to the living room to watch my favorite cartoon TV Show. He cracked a few jokes, got me howling and I actually decided to go to the bedroom, to have a closer look at the magnificence I now called mine, physically and emotionally.

We, decided to watch a movie and before it could even start; he stopped it; looked at me, kissed me and started talking. “Ella, if anyone could ask me what I wanted in my life right now, I would say it’s you. Not my career, not money, just you… nothing more.” He told me. I smiled, looked at his beautiful brown eyes and blushed. “You deserve someone that will treat you like the queen you are. Not a piece of shit like me. Why me? I am a piece of shit, not someone better.” His eyes were glassy!! “My ex, she understands me better. I like women, I can’t be monogamous. I have tried. I have never cheated on you. I can’t promise that I won’t. I don’t save, have no life goals. I literally live, to die tomorrow.” Whoa! This isn’t what I blushed for! This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. 

He looked at me, looked down and got up. Tried to hold me, tried to get his hands on my blank expressionless face. Tried to converse with my bleeding heart. He tried… I pulled away. I felt filthy, ugly and naive. I was filthy, ugly and naive, at that moment or at least, that’s how I felt. I threw up a little in my mouth. The room was silent for a minute. Only fools fall for you, I remember thinking to myself. I am a fool. Then it was all dizzy and I felt sick to my tummy. He shouldn’t see me crying or even twitch, I told myself. It was my mistake he was leaving. I could feel the cold breeze on my face. Wy was the room suddenly cold? 

I remember smiling, asking him to take me home. I have broken my arm, got canned in school once (my father, almost the canned the teacher who did it) and even dislocated a disc. I wished for those 3 things at once. You see, a heartbreak, hurts more than words can explain. You feel like someone is holding you by the throat and squeezing. You become blind, from flashes in your eyes. Your mouth becomes dry and your voice box, closes. I was silent, the whole time. Those are the days, traffic comes to a standstill. You can’t sleep or doze off. You wonder why everyone looks happy. Tears dry up and your soul sinks in. I remember getting home to my bed. My world had collapsed.

I actually took a painkiller before I got into bed, funny to remember that bit now, I laugh to myself. What did I hope to achieve? Was I trying to resist the pain? Numb it? Was my hopes too high? That was a break up, the break up I never saw coming. Nairobi air suffocated me; for the simple fact that I was sharing it with him. I packed my  clothes, let my family know that I was going to Rift Valley the next day and left the house by 7.  I was numb. I never shed a tear, didn’t talk about it expect for the fact that I told my sister, “he’s getting back with his ex.” just as I went back to sleep. She didn’t say a word. She must have felt my pain and confusion. I didn’t think about anything or anyone.

I remember breathing fresh air, as soon as I left Nairobi. He could have everything he wants. He always does.. I thought to myself. Let him have the air too. I told myself as I started a journey to peace, self discovery and healing. I will be honest with you; I got drunk everyday for a month. 2 months down the line, I withdrew from people. I got sick, thinking of happiness. I was a mess. I smiled every day and every smile, killed me inside. When you are hurting, you joke a lot and smile inappropriately most days.

I saw him as the year began and the anger was gone, the hate too. So, this happens too? Enemies turn into strangers and old lovers become community members? I wondered… You never fought for me Ella. You didn’t love me enough! He once told me and that thought lingered my mind. You’re too high value for that, I told myself. No wonder he left you Ella! You didn’t fight, or wash, or love or show him; you were willing to be with him! I told myself. You should have been normal. Seeing him and feeling nothing: no anger, hate or love, that’s when I knew, I have matured from pettiness. I had become, a woman.I was ready to admit, a man left me, and broke my heart.

When he left me, I broke into tiny shameful pieces inside, I cannot lie. I couldn’t face people. My friends; how would I explain to them that the man, I compromised my expectations for, had left me for a woman who had nothing in life except a good face and a better body? I remember doing my research on her, to see what I lacked that she had. Every woman does, when they are hurting. I saw her the other day too; pregnant and tired. She looked unhappy or maybe she was just tired. That could have been me, taking myself to the clinic when he has a car. I said to myself. 

Truth is, when he left me; I felt rejected and unhappy and my world caved in on me. Honestly, I was in pain, anger and loathed myself. Where was this better man? Did I do something wrong? I swore, the next time I let anyone close to my heart, it would be a doctor; as I lay unconscious. Yesterday, I had that feeling. Blood rushing through my body, heart responding and I rebuked the evil satan. I wasn’t going to love someone who didn’t give me his all. I believe in marriage and I want a pretty daughter one day but that is something, that should wait. It must wait. When I finally opened up to my dad, he told me such a silly man, to have let go of a gem like you. I raised you right, you deserve the right one. My dad, he is the quiet philosophical one. My mom, she would have cursed him. Hahaaa!

*John; a friend I call if I need to fix a bulb, get my curtains high up or get my wall art up thinks my veins flow with ice; not blood. I have other male friends who do not make fun of me: Kev, Norton, Alex but they are not as tall as John. They are even shorter than me, I’d rather fix all those things on my own then. “Not even cold blood Ella. It’s all ice, being pumped! He tells me yet, he doesn’t realise how much it ddoesn’t botherme, to hear that from him; he knows my worst vices. The cold bit, it’s uncalled for, yet it doesn’t bother me. I always smile; I have known my fair share of pain and all I need, is someone to fix my bulb, for now.

I will get married, eventually. It’s not on my bucket list because that’s a silly life goal. I believe in love (I can hear my girlfriends scoffing.) I believe in marriage, ( Megan, I see you, rolling your eyes until your head hurts) stop wondering who Megan is, I can see you, rolling your eyes too! I believe in owning greyhounds, german shepherds and any dog that isn’t as nagging as a woman. I will love and care and I have. I do love and care. I have warm blood, flowing my veins like every woman out here and I have a heart. I get hurt too. It’s just different; to me. Every hurt, makes me sane. Every love, makes me strong. I know. Nonsense, right? 

There is a point in your struggles as a high value woman where you wish you’d chosen the normal path instead. You wish you’d been a mediocre; the simple things would make your life such a delight!! You’d be glad to share the man you love with a woman that loves him too! You’d lay in his arms and never wonder if he holds you, like he holds her. You’d fight for love, rather than a cause like starting a Hub for women you barely know. You start wondering; what if someone just married me and I stayed home enjoying all these great movies? What if I didn’t chose a path to breaking the sweat? Did I have to see with my eyes shut? You never get answers. Never happens. You turn, go back to bed and hope you won’t wake up thinking about how much you were better off, in a relationship. Any relationship!

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38 thoughts on “Warm whispers, cold caresses.

  1. I once did the same to a girl, funny thing I was in her digs. The moment I mentioned to her that my ex and I were getting back together, she immediately gone nuts and screamed the hell out out of her. I wish I got a more appropriate way to call it quits.

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  2. This is the most relatable thing I’ve read in a long time. For me, he didn’t honour me with the little speech about how he’s a piece of shit and his ex understands him more. Thing is, I realised I just became a woman when I took all this in, breathing the same air as he did, standing there with him as the silence tore my heart apart and the final hug letting me know that it was goodbye. That the promise of him ever getting back to me was lost in the air and the memories of the cold caresses and silences are all I would ever have.
    I breathed a final breath in the same space with him and as I walked away with the pain numbing me, I realised I loved this man and nothing would change that, but shit happens and I wouldn’t get to be with him…but he’ll always be the perfect guy I fell in love with. And somewhere out there is a perfect for me…

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  3. Delighted though you gave me a tear drop, in debt to one, thanks be to get the creator. Ella you’re something.

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