Everybody at some point owns a handkerchief, to blow or wipe the nose. They are not as expensive to own, but if you want to own an expensive poor quality handkerchief, those mixed color ones with burgundy, lilac and scarlet with a touch of emerald; forgive my extensive color knowledge, pop into a wedding committee. The wedding committees, not even a medical appeal or anything is the only place you are likely to get the most expensive poor quality Mickey Mouse small square thing for a handkerchief. If you have not bought a handkerchief for Ksh 2000 and above, I believe you have never been a part of a wedding committee. Do not rush to be time conscious there; the fine will somehow hit you.
The Mcs in these events are just intense. They will command you to look at your neighbor and high five them,. because you are just seated alone, you take out your phone and check the time. The MC will call out all the people who did not high five and fine them. That is now serious business. Some have mandazi too, those that sell at sh 200 each, and whatever allergy you have trust me somebody will force their way into making you buy, at least two. Well, I am hardly invited to such things, because I have never allowed people to dictate how I will eat a mandazi for two hundred shillings, while holding a handkerchief for a thousand on the other hand, and get a fine of another thousand because I came in two minutes fifty eight seconds late!
We have not even going to talk about the “wedding committee whatsapp group”yet. The ind of group that has the maximum number of people a group can hold. Is it one thousand and eighty nine? I am not sure, because the messages come in from Am to Pm. Every minute is wedding committee meeting message time. They are setting figures for contribution, insisting on the importance of pledges and discussing how the couple’s budget of Kenya Shillings Nine hundred and ninety two thousand, eight hundred and sixty two can be managed.
The couple has saved thirty seven thousand for the wedding, so this lovely committee is supposed to improvise ways of raising the deficit. Weddings are good, very good, but as you eat that free Pilau please know somebody bought a handkerchief for eight hundred and forty five to make the Pilau available. Another person had endless messages on WhatsApp, which made her purchase bundles on one thousand shillings more to make the day happen.
I have never understood why people call gatherings of five hundred people plus, some whom you last saw almost fifteen years ago, or your childhood friend who transferred to a different school at class three but you saw them in Facebook that same year you were preparing the wedding, and decide you want to feed them. You want food prepared by classic chefs and hired caterers, you want to shield them from the sun through hiring expensive tents, entertain them by hiring all the expensive celebrities you have ever dreamt of, and wear a white gown of only thirty thousand. We are almost forgetting that hammer or is it limo yet you own no asset, but wait, your contribution was only thirty-seven thousands.
I refuse to be exploited, hate me if you want, but learn to live within your means. If you can afford to feed the whole village, hire a fleet of seventy-nine limos, pay Sauti sol and Adelle and that other guy of thinking out loud (the cliché wedding song) I will not try to remember his name, please go ahead. Nevertheless, if you cannot, please do not sleep and decide that you will call my neighbor where I lived three years ago and assign them a contribution of ten thousands. Do not sit and decide that you expect them to show up for the wedding, dressed to please so that your wedding photos look good, then wait for gifts from the very person. That is selfishness of the highest degree.
If you have thirty seven thousand, that is way more than enough for a wedding, plus honeymoon, and paying a pastor, not forgetting a memorable photo-shoot, a cake name it. I will not attend your wedding committee hate me if you want, take a loan fund your extravagant wedding and give the world a break!
I don’t need handkerchiefs for a thousand shillings, and I do not need endless meaningless discussions on WhatsApp when I am supposed to be peacefully enjoying my sleep. If you cannot afford to do a decent non extravagant wedding, just do not bother some of us who did weddings for one hundred and twenty eight thousand. We are married too, same as you are trying to do. You have one choice darling, to live within your means. Weddings are good, just go for what you can afford. If we came and ate a snack at your wedding, we might never forget it, because you did what you could afford. I will invite you reading this to my wedding committee *wink*…
Signed by yours truly,
Wedding committee planner.